Monday, March 12, 2012
Falling Down A Rabbit Hole
Falling, falling, and no way to stop. I don't like it. I want to stop falling, I want to find a tree root or a rock to catch on to and cling to for dear life, because I'm not sure that I'm going to like it much when I find rock bottom. But it's looming ever closer, dark and rocky and scary.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
And Now You're Gone...
He only left yesterday, and I already miss him like crazy. I feel quite melodramatic, really. He's only gone for two weeks... but right now, that seems like an eternity. The longest we've gone without speaking has been a week, which was when I was overseas... so I didn't have time to sit around and dwell on the fact that we weren't speaking every single day, like we usually do. I haven't really had time to dwell yet this time either, but that hasn't stopped it from happening. The worst part is that I'm not SUPPOSED to do this. I'm not supposed to miss him, not supposed to be sad about not having him here, because he's not really mine to miss... and that's making me stop and ask myself some really difficult questions. Questions that I've been successfully avoiding. Questions that I'm having difficulty drowing out at the moment, no matter how loud my music is and how busy I try to be. I don't want to answer them, because they are scary. Because they will quite possibly end this friendship, because neither of us really wants this.
I just want it to be 7.15am on Saturday 24th of March, right now. So I can see his smile, have a giant warm muscly-armed bear hug, and know that somehow we will make our friendship work because we can't bear to lose each other, but are too scared to love each other.
I just want it to be 7.15am on Saturday 24th of March, right now. So I can see his smile, have a giant warm muscly-armed bear hug, and know that somehow we will make our friendship work because we can't bear to lose each other, but are too scared to love each other.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Rainy Sunday
It's raining, it's pouring... and I am feeling rather lonely. I don't know what it is about dark, rainy Sunday afternoons that always makes me lonely. I just want someone to snuggle up on the couch and watch One Tree Hill with me... even if I have to 'pretend' to beg/convince them that it's a good show (because I know they secretly would love it as much as I do, despite all the complaining).
Anyways, I guess I'll just have to make do with the warmth of my laptop and a cup of tea. It's almost as good...
Anyways, I guess I'll just have to make do with the warmth of my laptop and a cup of tea. It's almost as good...
Friday, March 2, 2012
This Is What Weekends Were Made For...
Today, I feel amazing. More like 'me' than I have in such a long time... longer than I care to remember really. This morning, I climbed Mt Coolum with two beautiful friends, recovered by swimming in the sparkling blue ocean fully clothed, and brunching in a funky little cafe - barefoot, and still dripping wet from my swim. It reminded me why I love living here so much... and also why my mother shouldn't worry so much about me going off to travel the world and never coming back. I'll never be able to stay away from this place for too long.
Today, I haven't worried one single bit about what other people have thought of me, I haven't worried about how my actions might impact anyone else, and I haven't worried about anything other than taking some 'me' time. Maybe I should try it a little more often...
Today, I haven't worried one single bit about what other people have thought of me, I haven't worried about how my actions might impact anyone else, and I haven't worried about anything other than taking some 'me' time. Maybe I should try it a little more often...
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Words On A Page
I've had the sudden urge to write again... I'm not sure why, because I don't seem to actually have anything to write about. I mean sure, my journals are full of thoughts and meanderings, but I don't know that anything in them would make sense to anyone other than me. So tonight I guess I'm just writing for the hell of it, hoping that it will get my creative juices flowing because quite frankly, I'm sick of them stewing inside my brain. Time will tell I guess!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Mountains of Memories
I've been participating in a fitness challenge over the past few weeks - it's kind of like the Amazing Race, but we have to wear bunny ears. Every Sunday night, our teams have been issued with a list of challenges, and we've been given a week to complete them all. I've done all sorts of things that I'd never imagined myself doing - swimming laps in a pool at 6am, riding a bicycle 10kms, running a 3km cross country course... it's been awesome, but really hard at times too. Want to know something weird though? The three challenges that I've found the hardest have been the three local mountains we were challenged to climb. And after a lot of thinking and self-exploration, I've finally realised that it's not so much the MOUNTAINS that I've been afraid of, but the mountains of memories that each of them hold for me.
Our first mountain challenge was Mt Coolum - and to be honest, this mountain didn't pose as much of a challenge to me as the other two. But it did bring back a lot of memories... my grandfather climbed that mountain many years ago to put the flashing red light on the top to make sure that planes from the nearby airport didn't crash into the mountain, so as a little girl my siblings, cousins and I climbed Mt Coolum dozens of times, hearing my grandfather's story of dragging up all the equipment up the mountain by hand, and building that giant flashing red light. So Mt Coolum, I was ok with.
But the next mountain was Mt Cooroora. A mountain that I've spent the better part of two years avoiding. I used to climb that mountain fairly regularly - in fact, I'd even started training for the King of the Moutain race. But I've done a pretty good job of avoiding that mountain, ever since I climbed it when I was sick and passed out by the side of the path about halfway up. It was pretty terrifiying, and I was pretty shaken up by the whole ordeal. After that, the doctor's orders were to 'take it easy'... and I did. I actually took it easy for the next two years, because I felt like having glandular fever and ongoing kidney issues were a good enough excuse to do so. And really, that's all it was - a convenient way to justify giving up, losing focus of my goals and giving in to all those who constantly told me I 'couldn't'. I lost my mojo, and the determination, committment and confidence that characterised it. But the good news is, I've been busy rediscovering my mojo over the past few months, and I've had some pretty massive internal shifts recently... the ones that you know can't be reversed, which is exciting.
Anyways, back to the mountain - I was absolutely terrified at the thought of going up there, but I hadn't realise just HOW terrified until we got about halfway up and came across the place that I'd collapsed last time. I was just so overwhelmed by all the baggage that I'd been holding onto, without even realising. I just stopped dead in my tracks, and started bawling my eyes out. And instead of feeling embarrassed and ashamed, I began to feel strong and free... it was strange, but enlightening. I was so grateful for my beautiful friends who had so much support and encouragement for me, and believed in me when I wasn't so sure I believed in myself. I can't desribe just how amazing it felt to reach the top of that mountain, and throw some of that baggage off - there was no way in hell I was taking it back down with me!
So this afternoon, I'm tackling the third mountain. Mt Ninderry scares me for a completely different reason - it holds so many memories of times that seem so long ago, but at the same time they seem like only yesterday. Memories that confuse me, and threaten to pull me backwards at any moment, but they're not negative memories. In fact, they are far from negative, which is what makes it so hard. But I know that that's all they are now... they are just memories, and even though sometimes I wish with all my heart that they were more, they never will be. They never can be, because I chose to let it all go, and I chose to do what I needed to do to be happy. I chose not to settle, I chose to leave the comfort and safety and love behind and go searching for myself, and I chose to cut the ties. These were my choices, and I don't regret any of them. I needed to make them, and although part of me will always still love who we were, I'm hoping that conquering this mountain will remind me that memory is always infinitely more beautiful than reality. I'm ready to let go, to really let go.
Our first mountain challenge was Mt Coolum - and to be honest, this mountain didn't pose as much of a challenge to me as the other two. But it did bring back a lot of memories... my grandfather climbed that mountain many years ago to put the flashing red light on the top to make sure that planes from the nearby airport didn't crash into the mountain, so as a little girl my siblings, cousins and I climbed Mt Coolum dozens of times, hearing my grandfather's story of dragging up all the equipment up the mountain by hand, and building that giant flashing red light. So Mt Coolum, I was ok with.
But the next mountain was Mt Cooroora. A mountain that I've spent the better part of two years avoiding. I used to climb that mountain fairly regularly - in fact, I'd even started training for the King of the Moutain race. But I've done a pretty good job of avoiding that mountain, ever since I climbed it when I was sick and passed out by the side of the path about halfway up. It was pretty terrifiying, and I was pretty shaken up by the whole ordeal. After that, the doctor's orders were to 'take it easy'... and I did. I actually took it easy for the next two years, because I felt like having glandular fever and ongoing kidney issues were a good enough excuse to do so. And really, that's all it was - a convenient way to justify giving up, losing focus of my goals and giving in to all those who constantly told me I 'couldn't'. I lost my mojo, and the determination, committment and confidence that characterised it. But the good news is, I've been busy rediscovering my mojo over the past few months, and I've had some pretty massive internal shifts recently... the ones that you know can't be reversed, which is exciting.
Anyways, back to the mountain - I was absolutely terrified at the thought of going up there, but I hadn't realise just HOW terrified until we got about halfway up and came across the place that I'd collapsed last time. I was just so overwhelmed by all the baggage that I'd been holding onto, without even realising. I just stopped dead in my tracks, and started bawling my eyes out. And instead of feeling embarrassed and ashamed, I began to feel strong and free... it was strange, but enlightening. I was so grateful for my beautiful friends who had so much support and encouragement for me, and believed in me when I wasn't so sure I believed in myself. I can't desribe just how amazing it felt to reach the top of that mountain, and throw some of that baggage off - there was no way in hell I was taking it back down with me!
So this afternoon, I'm tackling the third mountain. Mt Ninderry scares me for a completely different reason - it holds so many memories of times that seem so long ago, but at the same time they seem like only yesterday. Memories that confuse me, and threaten to pull me backwards at any moment, but they're not negative memories. In fact, they are far from negative, which is what makes it so hard. But I know that that's all they are now... they are just memories, and even though sometimes I wish with all my heart that they were more, they never will be. They never can be, because I chose to let it all go, and I chose to do what I needed to do to be happy. I chose not to settle, I chose to leave the comfort and safety and love behind and go searching for myself, and I chose to cut the ties. These were my choices, and I don't regret any of them. I needed to make them, and although part of me will always still love who we were, I'm hoping that conquering this mountain will remind me that memory is always infinitely more beautiful than reality. I'm ready to let go, to really let go.
Monday, March 7, 2011
25 Things...
About yours truly :)
1. I am perfectly imperfect.
2. I believe in the power of the Universe... but I also believe in creating my own destiny.
3. In a matter of weeks, I will be getting my first tattoo.
4. I find people fascinating. I could literally sit for hours on end just watching people, and the ways in which they interact with each other and their surroundings. Sometimes I make up stories about strangers that I see on the street/on the bus/in the park. They are always beautiful stories (some may call them tragic...)
5. I believe that a smile and a positive attitude are two of the most powerful tools that we possess as human beings.
6. Some of my worst habits include giggling uncontrollably at inappropriate times, thinking too much, and being easily distracted by shiny things...
7. I love fairy lights, because they make it so much easier to believe in romance and magic and happily ever after
8. I consider myself a contradiction in many ways... I'm stubborn and I'm indecisive; I'm shy and I'm outgoing; I am just an ordinary girl, but I'm far from what most people would consider 'normal'
9. I have recently started collecting Little Golden Books, because they remind me of my childhood, and were largely responsible for beginning my passion for reading.
10. I'm moving to India at the end of the year, against the advice and will of many people. I'm going there to do some volunteer work with street children - but the trip is just as much about finding myself as it is about helping others.
11. I have a Bucket List, because I don't believe you need to wait until you're dying to start doing the things you've always wanted to do.
12. I sometimes think that I was born in the wrong era... I would have loved to have lived through the 60s and 70s.
13. My room is very much reflective of who I am... it is full of odd things, including a bright yellow stilletto signed by my idol Katy Steele, a hamburger phone, a Rubiks cube, a set of Beatles mugs, a batman mask, a disco ball, hundreds of photos and things that hold many memories.
14. I've started a pretty special journey recently... I'm trying to be the best person that I can be, which is actually a lot harder than it sounds.
15. I've always lived to please other people, but I've recently realised that I don't need to do that anymore. Sometimes, what's best for me isn't going to please everyone else, and that's OK.
16. I have an overactive imagination, which has its ups and downs.
17. I believe that even on the worst days, you should try to find at least one thing to be grateful for or to smile about.
18. I've always been under the impression that one of the most painful things in life is losing someone you love and value. But recently, I've realised that's not true. The most painful thing in life is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone else too much. My mission is to remind myself that I am special too - I myself am worth loving and valuing, just as much as I love and value anyone else.
19. I've noticed that usually when people say 'you've changed', it's simply because you're not the person they want you to be anymore.
20. I am no longer completely disgusted or ashamed by photos of me anymore... now, I'm proud because I can see the changes I've been making... and even though they may be subtle, and maybe other people can't even notice it, I can definitely see them
21. One of the proudest moments of my life so far was running over the finish line of my very first 10km race, the day after my 20th birthday. I will be forever grateful for the support of the people who helped me believe that I could do it, and to my Dad who was the only person who got out of bed to come and watch me finish that run.
22. I am a sucker for romance but I am no longer searching for my soulmate, because I believe that our paths will cross when they are meant to.
23. I have recently discovered that my mind is stronger than my body, and I am capable of doing things that I had never even dreamed of.
24. I think that I will always be a little bit of a child at heart - there's just sometihng so irresistible about jumping on beds, running around in the rain in lady bug gumboots, swinging as high as possible on a swingset, and finding joy in the small things.
25. I am impatient, impractical and impossible at times. I am strong, positive and kind too. Love me or hate me, this is who I am.
1. I am perfectly imperfect.
2. I believe in the power of the Universe... but I also believe in creating my own destiny.
3. In a matter of weeks, I will be getting my first tattoo.
4. I find people fascinating. I could literally sit for hours on end just watching people, and the ways in which they interact with each other and their surroundings. Sometimes I make up stories about strangers that I see on the street/on the bus/in the park. They are always beautiful stories (some may call them tragic...)
5. I believe that a smile and a positive attitude are two of the most powerful tools that we possess as human beings.
6. Some of my worst habits include giggling uncontrollably at inappropriate times, thinking too much, and being easily distracted by shiny things...
7. I love fairy lights, because they make it so much easier to believe in romance and magic and happily ever after
8. I consider myself a contradiction in many ways... I'm stubborn and I'm indecisive; I'm shy and I'm outgoing; I am just an ordinary girl, but I'm far from what most people would consider 'normal'
9. I have recently started collecting Little Golden Books, because they remind me of my childhood, and were largely responsible for beginning my passion for reading.
10. I'm moving to India at the end of the year, against the advice and will of many people. I'm going there to do some volunteer work with street children - but the trip is just as much about finding myself as it is about helping others.
11. I have a Bucket List, because I don't believe you need to wait until you're dying to start doing the things you've always wanted to do.
12. I sometimes think that I was born in the wrong era... I would have loved to have lived through the 60s and 70s.
13. My room is very much reflective of who I am... it is full of odd things, including a bright yellow stilletto signed by my idol Katy Steele, a hamburger phone, a Rubiks cube, a set of Beatles mugs, a batman mask, a disco ball, hundreds of photos and things that hold many memories.
14. I've started a pretty special journey recently... I'm trying to be the best person that I can be, which is actually a lot harder than it sounds.
15. I've always lived to please other people, but I've recently realised that I don't need to do that anymore. Sometimes, what's best for me isn't going to please everyone else, and that's OK.
16. I have an overactive imagination, which has its ups and downs.
17. I believe that even on the worst days, you should try to find at least one thing to be grateful for or to smile about.
18. I've always been under the impression that one of the most painful things in life is losing someone you love and value. But recently, I've realised that's not true. The most painful thing in life is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone else too much. My mission is to remind myself that I am special too - I myself am worth loving and valuing, just as much as I love and value anyone else.
19. I've noticed that usually when people say 'you've changed', it's simply because you're not the person they want you to be anymore.
20. I am no longer completely disgusted or ashamed by photos of me anymore... now, I'm proud because I can see the changes I've been making... and even though they may be subtle, and maybe other people can't even notice it, I can definitely see them
21. One of the proudest moments of my life so far was running over the finish line of my very first 10km race, the day after my 20th birthday. I will be forever grateful for the support of the people who helped me believe that I could do it, and to my Dad who was the only person who got out of bed to come and watch me finish that run.
22. I am a sucker for romance but I am no longer searching for my soulmate, because I believe that our paths will cross when they are meant to.
23. I have recently discovered that my mind is stronger than my body, and I am capable of doing things that I had never even dreamed of.
24. I think that I will always be a little bit of a child at heart - there's just sometihng so irresistible about jumping on beds, running around in the rain in lady bug gumboots, swinging as high as possible on a swingset, and finding joy in the small things.
25. I am impatient, impractical and impossible at times. I am strong, positive and kind too. Love me or hate me, this is who I am.
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